My Child Says "I Don't Know": Why Some Children Communicate Better Through Creativity and Play
"How was school?"
"I don't know."
"What's wrong?"
"I don't know."
"Why are you upset?"
"I DON'T KNOW!"
If you are a parent or caregiver, you may know this exchange very well. It can be frustrating, especially when you can clearly see that something is bothering your child and you genuinely want to help.
But before assuming that "I don't know" means I don't want to tell you, it can be helpful to consider another possibility.
Maybe they really don't know how to put it into words.
For many families, this moment is what eventually leads them to expressive arts therapy or play therapy. And it comes up far more often than most parents expect.
Think About How Hard Expressing Emotions Is, Even for Adults
Imagine that someone asks you: "Exactly what are you feeling right now, why are you feeling it, and what do you need?"
Could you always answer?
Even as adults, with decades of language development and life experience, we often struggle to describe intense, confusing, or contradictory emotions. Maybe you feel angry but also guilty for being angry. You are hurt, relieved, embarrassed, disappointed, and strangely numb all at once. Your chest feels tight, your stomach is unsettled, and something just feels off, but you could not explain exactly why.
Words can be wonderfully useful. They can also be surprisingly inadequate.
Now imagine being eight years old.
Children are still developing emotional vocabulary, self-awareness, and the ability to connect bodily sensations, experiences, and feelings into a coherent story. A child may genuinely know:
My stomach hurts when it is time for school.
I want everyone to leave me alone.
I feel like crying.
Something feels scary.
Without yet being able to explain what it all means.
And sometimes direct questioning makes finding those words harder, not easier.
Children's counselling that relies solely on verbal communication can feel like a dead end for some kids. The expectation that a child should be able to sit down, make eye contact with an adult and explain their inner experience is one that many children simply cannot meet yet, and nothing about that means something is wrong with them.
How Expressive Arts Therapy and Play Therapy Take the Pressure Off
This is one reason I love using creativity, play, imagery and story when counselling children and teens.
Instead of sitting face-to-face with an adult who is waiting for an answer, the child has something else to focus on. They may be drawing, shaping clay, arranging objects in a sand tray, inventing characters, telling a story or simply playing.
The creative process can become a kind of third presence in the room.
Now we aren't necessarily talking about you. We might be wondering together about a character, an image, a colour, an imaginary world or something taking shape in the materials.
A child who cannot answer, "What are you afraid of?" might create a tiny character surrounded by enormous walls.
A teen who insists that everything is "fine" may draw while casually talking about friendships in a way that feels much less intense than answering a series of direct questions.
A clinically supported approach used by children's therapists to help kids process anxiety, trauma, grief, family change, and emotional dysregulation, expressive arts therapy and play therapy for children use the creative work as a bridge between what a child is experiencing and what they are able to share, often without a single direct question being asked.
This does not mean adults should start analyzing children's drawings or assuming every image contains a hidden message. A black scribble does not automatically mean depression; a monster does not necessarily represent a parent.
The child is the expert on what their creation means, if it means anything at all.
Our job can simply be to get curious.
Curiosity Instead of Interrogation & What Child-Led Therapy Looks Like
There is a big difference between:
"Why did you draw that?"
and:
"Tell me about what is happening here."
Or between:
"Is that person supposed to be you?"
and:
"I notice this character is standing pretty far away from everybody else."
The second approach leaves room for the child to correct us, elaborate, or say nothing.
Sometimes children will tell an entire story. Sometimes they will shrug and keep colouring.
Both are okay.
Not every creative experience in therapy needs to produce an insight or disclosure. Making something can also provide enjoyment, sensory regulation, experimentation, choice, mastery, and a feeling of competence. For children navigating anxiety, family change, grief, or trauma, those experiences carry genuine therapeutic weight even when no words are spoken.
For children navigating anxiety, trauma, grief, or major life transitions, the felt experience of having choice, mastery, and a safe adult's curious attention carries genuine therapeutic weight, regardless of what is or isn't said.Children's counselling through art and play works because it meets kids where they are, not where we need them to be.
What Parents Can Try at Home to Support Children Who Struggle to Express Feelings
You do not need special training or expensive art supplies to bring some of this curiosity into your relationship with your child. A few things that can help:
Create beside them rather than watching them create. Doodle, build with Lego, use clay, or colour while you spend time together. Side-by-side connection can sometimes feel easier than face-to-face conversation.
Ask fewer questions and make more observations. "You used a lot of red there" or "That character has a huge shield" gives your child the choice to tell you more.
Use metaphor. Instead of "How was your day?" try "If today was weather, what kind of weather would it be?" or "What colour was your day?"
Let "I don't know" be an acceptable answer. You might simply say, "That is okay. You do not have to know yet. If you want to talk about it later, I am here."
Perhaps most importantly, try to avoid making creativity another way of getting information out of your child.
Children notice when the hidden goal is still, Tell me what happened.
Sometimes connection comes first. Understanding comes later.
There Are Many Ways to Communicate
Some children are natural storytellers. Some think in images. Some communicate through movement, humour, characters, music, play, or metaphor. Others need a long period of quiet before they know what they feel.
In children's counselling, the goal has never been to produce a child who can perfectly articulate their inner life on demand. The goal is to help them feel understood, and to give them more ways to get there. For some children, expressive arts therapy and play therapy provide pathways that talking alone simply cannot.
There is nothing wrong with encouraging children to develop emotional language. But words do not need to be the only doorway into their inner world.
The next time your child says "I don't know," you might hear it a little differently.
Maybe it means:
I don't have words for this yet.
I'm still figuring it out.
It feels too complicated.
Can you stay with me without making me explain?
Sometimes the most helpful response is not another question. Sometimes it is simply making space for another language to emerge.
If you are a parent in London, Ontario or anywhere across Ontario wondering whether expressive arts therapy or play therapy might be a good fit for your child, a free consultation is a good place to start. Children's counselling looks different for every child, and finding the right fit is the key to success.
Frequently Asked Questions About Children's Counselling and Expressive Arts Therapy
What is expressive arts therapy for children?
Expressive arts therapy uses creative modalities, including drawing, painting, clay, sand tray, storytelling, drama, and imagery, as part of the therapeutic process. Rather than relying solely on verbal communication, it gives children additional ways to explore and express what they are experiencing. It is particularly helpful for children who struggle to put their feelings into words, or who find direct conversation with an adult uncomfortable or overwhelming.
How is play therapy different from regular children's counselling?
Play therapy uses play as the primary language of the therapeutic relationship. Children communicate naturally through play, and a trained therapist can use this to help children process difficult experiences, build emotional vocabulary, and develop coping skills. Some approaches are more directive, with the therapist guiding the play toward specific goals, and others are more child-led. Both have strong evidence bases for children navigating anxiety, trauma, family change, and other challenges.
At what age can children start expressive arts therapy or play therapy?
Children as young as five can benefit from expressive arts and play-based approaches in therapy. The specific modalities used will be adapted to the child's developmental stage, interests, and needs. At Blueprint Counselling in London, Ontario, Hailey Tallman works with children aged five and up, both in person and virtually across Ontario.
My child says they are fine but I can tell something is wrong. Should I seek counselling?
A child who consistently says they are fine while showing signs of distress, withdrawal, changes in behaviour, physical complaints like stomach aches, or difficulty at school may be struggling to find words for something that feels overwhelming. Children's counselling does not require a child to arrive ready to talk. A skilled children's therapist can meet them where they are, using creative and play-based approaches to build connection and trust over time.
How do I find a children's therapist in London, Ontario?
If you are looking for a children's therapist in London, Ontario who uses expressive arts therapy or play therapy, Hailey Tallman is an Expressive Arts Therapist with ten years of experience supporting children and adolescents, available for in-person sessions in London and virtual sessions across Ontario. Book your free consultation with Hailey today!
Whether your child communicates through words or needs another language entirely, Hailey and the team at Blueprint Counselling offer in-person children's counselling in London and virtual sessions across Ontario. We'd be honoured to walk alongside you and your family.