The Emotional Journey of Surrogacy for LGBTQ+ Intended Parents
In the last few years, we’ve seen an array of LGBTQ+ public figures speaking openly about welcoming their children via surrogacy. This has helped many families feel more seen and celebrated in their own experiences. At the same time, we’re still seeing international news stories that show the pushback many LGBTQ+ intended parents face in different political climates.
The journey of surrogacy can bring up many emotions for LGBTQ+ parents. The excitement of having a child has to be reckoned alongside potential outside pressures and expectations. It’s important to notice complicated feelings if and when they arise. Becoming a parent is equal parts beautiful and challenging, no matter your circumstances. Taking the time to care for your mental health along the way can allow you to experience the full complexity of this journey, without letting any one part overshadow the other.
Why Surrogacy Can Feel Emotionally Complex for LGBTQ+ Intended Parents
About a third of 2SLGBTQ+ individuals in Canada aged 15 to 49 want to have biological children in the future. Some will likely consider surrogacy to make that hope a reality. The path to surrogacy can, however, raise complicated feelings for LGBTQ+ intended parents.
There’s the hope and excitement at being able to start a family. There may also be some grief. Some LGBTQ+ intended parents face feelings of dysphoria over not being able to carry a child. For others, the pursuit of a family can bring up bittersweet feelings regarding their family of origin. It’s not uncommon for joy to highlight losses that also need to be acknowledged.
This is often aggravated by systemic issues. A common source of anxiety for LGBTQ+ intended parents is wondering whether the providers they work with will be genuinely supportive and affirming. No individual choice fixes that at the system level, but you can find out early where you stand. Agencies such as Growing Generations organize their programs specifically around surrogacy for LGBTQ+ intended parents rather than treating it as a variation on a default, and word of mouth within the community is often the quickest route to doctors who already get it. Walking into an appointment already knowing the answer frees up energy for everything else.
It’s also worth noting how individual the surrogacy experience can be for LGBTQ+ intended parents. We don’t all feel the same things, and that’s okay. Making room for variance and complexity can make the journey of parenthood far more interesting.
How to Navigate Family Expectations and Outside Pressures
LGBTQ+ parents are at a higher risk of experiencing threats to their parental legitimacy and often struggle with a sense of belonging in parenthood as a result. One way these threats manifest is through uncomfortable family expectations or outside pressures. What can make things even harder is how often LGBTQ+ intended parents are told to “just ignore” the opinions of others. It’s not always that simple, though.
Here are a few ways to navigate these situations in a way that maintains compassion for yourself:
Notice the experience you’re having and the expectations that your family or others may be putting on you. This can begin the process of asking which aspects feel relevant and which simply feel like something you’re “supposed” to care about.
Consider what parenthood and family mean to you, beyond the limits of cisgender and heteronormative images. Feeling rooted in this can help you navigate outside expectations with a clearer perspective.
Explore drawing some boundaries with people who may be putting undue pressure on you. It’s perfectly okay to share the news that you’ve begun the process of becoming parents, while also asserting that you’re not interested in hearing outside opinions. It’s also fine, when faced with questions that feel too personal, to say as much.
Make space for your discomfort. You don’t have to be okay if a family member asks something invasive or a colleague shares an unprompted opinion about how you should pursue parenthood. If you need to step out and take a breath, let yourself. Gentleness is key.
Connect with support. There can be so much affirmation found in talking to other LGBTQ+ intended parents or care providers like counsellors and fertility professionals who are familiar with the experience.
Managing Uncertainty During the Surrogacy Process
The journey of becoming a parent can be vulnerable, and many find the uncertainty of that journey particularly challenging. Surrogacy doesn’t always occur along a set timeline. Matching with a surrogate can take time, as does the egg transfer and waiting to see if a transfer is successful.
There’s also sometimes uncertainty about how the process will affect the dynamic with a partner or what your relationship will look like with the surrogate. In all of these instances, try to separate what you can control from the things that you can’t. You can’t control certain outcomes, but you can decide how you’d like to communicate with your surrogate, for example, or what you’d like the boundaries to be in that relationship.
It’s important to work with your surrogacy agency and other professionals involved to shape the experience in the ways you’re able to, while also being open to the fact that some uncertainty is part of the process. That uncertainty doesn’t need to take over your life or this experience. It can just be one part of it.
Caring for Your Mental Health on the Path to Parenthood
The path to parenthood can be filled with joy and excitement. It can also bring up anxiety, grief, and fear. The most important thing is that LGBTQ+ intended parents hoping to have a child via surrogacy do not have to navigate these feelings alone.
Caring for your mental health on the path to parenthood by seeking support from your community, formal therapy groups, or a counsellor can help ease the weight of these emotions. There’s no way to erase the complexity of the experience. But there is opportunity to exhale, untangle, and face parenthood with compassion and love toward yourself, and the family you’re hoping to create.