Relationship Anarchy: Redefining How We Relate

Nov 11

Reflections of a Relationship Therapist on Love, Freedom, and the Scripts We’ve Inherited

Have you ever noticed how relationships come with a pre-set script? Meet-cute → dating → sex → move in → marriage → kids → bickering over which show to watch next → retirement. Society loves a good formula.

But here’s the thing: that script didn’t just fall from the sky. It’s been shaped by centuries of patriarchy, colonialism, capitalism, and other forces that thrive on rules, order, and hierarchy. These systems have long dictated whose love “counts,” whose families are legitimate, and what kind of commitment is “real.” (Spoiler: it’s usually the kind that results in property, heirs, power, and stability for the status quo.)

Relationship Anarchy (often shortened to “RA”) emerged to question—and rewrite—that script.

A Little History

Swedish activist and queer feminist author Andie Nordgren (she/her) first articulated RA in 2006 as a philosophy for people who were tired of being squeezed into relationship boxes that didn’t fit for them. Nordgren wasn’t anti-love, anti-commitment, or even anti-monogamy. Instead, RA pushes back against compulsory relationship scripts - the belief that there’s only one ‘right’ way to love, and that anything else must be temporary, immature, unstable, or “just a phase.”

Why is this radical? Because the dominant cultural story - shaped by those larger systems of oppression - teaches us that:

Romantic love is “better” or “more important” than friendship.
Monogamy is the “gold standard.”
Jealousy = proof of love.
Control and exclusivity are not just normal, but “romantic”.

And let’s be real—our culture loves to double down on these messages. Just look around: rom-coms end with marriage proposals like that’s the finish line of human development. Reality shows literally turn love into a competition (with roses, contracts, or cash prizes). Pop songs glorify obsession and call it passion. Even commercials for toothpaste or insurance sneak in the idea that you’re not fully ‘valid’ until you’ve locked down “The One.”

As therapists, we see how these stories seep into the subconscious. They shape what clients expect from themselves and from others - and often leave people wondering if they’re broken or behind if their life doesn’t look like a movie ending in a white dress and a mortgage.

Sound familiar?

So, What Is Relationship Anarchy?

At its core, RA is about rejecting relational hierarchies and creating more equality across connections. It’s not “anything goes,” and it’s not a free pass to avoid responsibility. It’s a conscious, intentional way of relating.

Instead of default rules, RA emphasizes:

Autonomy and freedom – every person has agency.
Valuing all relationships – friendships, creative partnerships, chosen family, and romances can all matter deeply.
Rejecting the relationship escalator – you don’t have to climb from dating → moving in → marriage if that doesn’t fit.
Communication and consent – because when you throw out the script, you have to co-create your own story.

As Nordgren wrote:

“Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique.”

What RA Looks Like in Practice

Meet Ari (not a real client, just our stand-in character). Ari’s network of relationships:

Jordan – a hiking buddy and confidant. Emotional intimacy, no sex, but a birthday tradition every year.
Sam – a romantic and sexual partner who Ari travels with. They don’t live together, but they share a photo journal.
Lee – a platonic roommate with whom Ari shares groceries and a “roommate anniversary.”
Morgan – a creative collaborator, basically family through music.
Taylor – a newer sexual connection, exploring kink without long-term pressure.

In RA, Ari doesn’t label Sam “primary” and Jordan “just a friend.” Each relationship is honored on its own terms.

Common Misunderstandings

RA is not “commitment-phobia.” Commitments exist, but they’re chosen consciously, not inherited from social scripts.

RA is not the same as polyamory. Some RA folks have multiple partners, others are monogamous, others are single.
RA is not anti-romance. Romance can thrive in RA - it just doesn’t automatically outrank all other bonds.

Why People Choose RA

Freedom and flexibility.

Valuing friendships and chosen family as much as romance.
Escaping the pressure of “performing” a role (like “good wife” or “perfect boyfriend”).
Belief that love isn’t a scarce resource.

Bringing It Back to Relationship Counselling

Many therapy clients find themselves wrestling with the tension between what they’ve been told relationships ‘should’ look like and what they actually want. Relationship Anarchy offers a lens to question inherited scripts and instead co-create relationships that feel authentic, nourishing, and - dare we say it - fun 😊

It doesn’t mean you need to reject monogamy, burn your wedding photos, or hand your partner a 10-page manifesto. It simply means stepping off autopilot. Whether you’re single, partnered, or somewhere in between, RA is an invitation to ask: What do I really want my connections to look like - and who do I want to be in them?

If you’d like support in exploring your own relationship stories and building connections that feel authentic to you, I’d be honoured to walk alongside you, or connect you with one of my colleagues at Ontario LGBTQ+ counsellors.

Final Thought:
Love doesn’t have to be a ladder you climb. It can be a garden you tend, a web you weave, or, if you’re feeling whimsical, a potluck dinner where everyone brings their own favorite dish. The point is: you get to decide. So have fun exploring!