Exploring Your Gender Identity: A Trans Affirming Guide on Where to Begin

Oct 1

If you’re reading this, you may have recently begun thinking about your gender identity and noticed that the gender you were raised with doesn’t quite fit. Maybe someone referred to you in a way that felt wrong, or you realized you feel like an outsider in a group of “the guys” or “the girls.” Maybe you came across the term gender dysphoria and something just clicked. As a trans therapist who works with many people exploring gender, I can tell you, this is all very common.

If you’ve recently discovered that you’re an egg and can no longer ignore the cracks forming in your shell, you might already know you’re not alone, but still be unsure where to go from here. Whether you’re leaning toward a binary trans identity (e.g., trans woman, trans man) and considering transition, or you’re exploring a gender-expansive identity and simply want to feel more like yourself in how you show up, I’d like to share some ideas on where to begin.

Before We Start

First, a few general thoughts. Gender is fascinating - it’s complex, involving a felt sense of who we are, the roles we play in our lives and relationships, how we want to express ourselves and also how we want to be seen by others. Our experience of gender is shaped both by how aligned we feel internally and externally, as well as by how others perceive us - and even how we imagine they perceive us. Humans are social creatures, after all!

When I first began my transition, someone asked whether I’d still want to transition if I lived in a vacuum. At first, I didn’t know how to answer. But eventually I realized: I don’t live in a vacuum, and being read by others as a man really does matter to me, and that’s okay.

It’s also worth remembering that being “a man” or “a woman” can look like a billion different things depending on culture, subculture, and individuality - and identities like non-binary or genderfluid open the possibilities even further. A man is just as much a man whether he’s watching sports in a team jersey or rocking femboy style with a miniskirt and makeup. A woman is equally a woman whether she’s elbows-deep in an engine or fully glammed with lashes and nails. Identity isn’t defined by appearance, it’s defined by the person claiming it.

Exploring new ways of expressing gender can feel intimidating. Many people find it helpful to start in safe spaces - at home, with friends, or in trusted communities - before bringing those changes into the wider world. You get to decide the pace and the context. And remember: you don’t have to change everything all at once. At the end of the day, this journey is about feeling more happy and comfortable in your own skin, and that is a beautiful thing!

With that in mind, here are some starting points.

Clothing and Accessories

Clothing is often the easiest way to begin exploring gender expression, but it can be hard to know where to start. Remember, there’s no “right way” to do gender. Some people aim to “pass” as their identified gender, while others mix and play with styles. Either way, the question is: what feels authentic to you?

Try looking to influencers, actors, musicians, or anyone whose style resonates with you, and note which pieces or accessories catch your eye.

Your current wardrobe may not feel right as you begin experimenting. When I first realized I was trans, I wore baggy goth/punk/emo clothes—styles that hid my body and eased my dysphoria. As I grew more comfortable presenting as a guy, I branched out into styles that matched who I was becoming.

Changing wardrobes can feel daunting and expensive, but it doesn’t have to happen overnight and it can also be fun! Thrift and consignment shops are great for experimenting without spending much. Try one or two items, see how they feel, then build from there. Over time, you’ll notice which items bring gender euphoria, and those can guide your next steps.

Hair

Hair can have an enormous impact on how we feel about ourselves and how others interpret our gender. That’s also what makes it so intimidating to change.

Even before I questioned my gender, I longed for a “guy’s” cut. The day I finally chopped off my shoulder-length hair, I was so elated I felt like I was floating. Looking back later, I recognized that moment as my first experience of gender euphoria.

If you’re nervous about changing your hair, that’s okay. Growing short hair out longer takes time, but you can style it in ways that lean more feminine or androgynous as it grows. If you have long hair but want a more masculine look without cutting it short, androgynous or masculine long hairstyles are an option.

In Toronto (and many other cities), you can find gender-affirming stylists who understand what you’re aiming for and will help you achieve the look you want without judgment.

Voice and Non-Verbal Communication

For many trans and non-binary folks, speaking can bring on intense feelings of dysphoria; voice is one of the cues that most strongly influences how others gender us.

If you’re AFAB (assigned female at birth) and considering testosterone, you may know that a deepening voice is often one of the first changes. Still, voice training can help lower pitch and add “masculine” qualities even without hormones. For AMAB (assigned male at birth) folks wanting a higher or more “feminine” voice, training is usually the best route. YouTube and other platforms are full of tutorials and guides for adjusting pitch, resonance, inflection, and non-verbal cues that signal femininity or androgyny.

Body language also plays a huge role: how we walk, sit, make eye contact, gesture, or even shake hands. These are often unconscious habits, but they influence how others read our gender. Experiment with these cues, notice how they feel, and keep what feels authentic.

Names, Pronouns, and Labels

You may already be thinking about trying new pronouns or a name that feels more aligned. Everyone approaches this differently; some keep their name and just change pronouns, others use a variation of their name, and some choose something entirely new. When I first came out, I changed my name and pronouns a couple of times before landing where I am now. It was a bit of a challenge for loved ones, but gave me space to figure out what fit best.

Finding identity labels (e.g., non-binary, transmasc, agender, trans woman) can also take time. Many people start with one and shift as their confidence grows or their identity evolves. My advice: go with what feels right for now - you can always change later.

Seeking Support

Finally, seek support as you explore your gender. That might mean opening up to trusted friends or family, or connecting with a community of people who understand through lived experience. If you’re near a 2SLGBTQ+ centre, check out their groups or drop-ins. If not, many offer virtual options, and online spaces can be a source of connection too.

I also encourage finding a professional who specializes in gender identity exploration. There are many gender-affirming therapists in Toronto and beyond, including an increasing number who have lived experience with trans or non-binary identities, who can support you in discovering what feels true to you and building confidence to live authentically. A good therapist won’t push you toward a specific identity, but will help you discover and embrace your own. And just as importantly, they’ll remind you that joy and laughter belong in the journey too.

If you’re looking for support, I’d be honoured to partner with you in your gender discovery journey. Check out my profile at Trans Therapist in Toronto for more info or to book a free initial consultation, or check out some of my colleagues at Ontario LGBTQ+ counsellors.

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