How to find the right therapist: Choosing a therapist for (and with) your parts.

An Internal Family Systems Therapy approach to selecting a counsellor.

Finding the right therapist is important. Before you allow someone near your most tender wounds you need to feel safe. You need to feel confident they will hold your stories with care and respond with compassion. You need to be able to trust they are capable of walking alongside you, holding safety and calm, when the emotional storms of your past trauma threaten to overwhelm.

I often see many of my colleagues posting guides on how to find a therapist that will be right for you. They offer questions you can ask about approach and knowledge; practical considerations around cost and scheduling; and inquiries about identity and experience. While these questions can all facilitate a meaningful discussion during an initial consult or first appointment, I’m not sure they offer a reliable barometer for finding the right fit in a counsellor or psychotherapist. It’s you inner parts that will be your most reliable guide.

Listen to your inner wisdom as it emerges in feelings, sensations and knowings. Notice the tension in your body and how it responds to the words and presence of your would be mental health care provider. Listen to your inner protectors, are they creating distance or inviting closeness? Some of our protective parts will resist any form of closeness, and the vulnerability it represents, care for them and hear their concerns. Look for the parts of you that are longing for connection and healing. The parts that need to be seen, heard and felt. Do they feel safe in the presence of this prospective counsellor?  

Questions may emerge from your inner protectors, honour their attempts at protecting you by speaking for them. If a part wishes to ask a question that feels too personal, work with them to rephrase the question or address the need it represents, but don’t dismiss it entirely. If a part or parts object to working with a particular therapist, speak for them too. The therapist may be able to address their concerns, or they may not, it’s all an important part of choosing the right therapist for and with your parts.  

Here’s a brief list of some of the parts you might encounter when choosing a therapist:

Embarrassed parts

These parts struggle with starting therapy because they know you carry stories they find embarrassing or even shameful. They’re often looking for reassurance that the therapist in the room isn’t going to judge them, will keep their information private and won’t trivialize their concerns. These parts often find shared lived experience reassuring and also appreciate when prospective therapists reassure them they don’t need to share anything they don’t want to.

Imposter parts 

Similar to the embarrassed parts, these parts often worry that the therapeutic process will lead to you being judged and ultimately exposed for your inadequacies. Professionals (particularly other therapists) will often encounter these parts in the process of selecting a therapist. Like the embarrassed parts they need to be reassured that their competence and fitness is not going to be evaluated or judged.

Skeptical parts

These parts play an important role in protecting you from being scammed. They question whether the therapy will be effective, whether it’s worth the time and money, and whether the therapist is properly trained and qualified. These parts need permission to hold onto their skepticism, to ask hard questions and to receive information when needed. They appreciate when potential therapists are receptive of their questioning, acknowledge the importance of their role and commit that they won’t bypass or ignored them in the process.

Self-doubt parts

These parts struggle to trust you to select the right therapist. They may look to friends/family/other professionals to make the decision for them or prefer to select a therapist using a more objective set of standards or a checklist. They may also simply avoid seeking therapy all together in order to avoid making the wrong choice. These parts can benefit from an appreciation of their carefulness and reassurance that they don’t have to make the decision, you will (from your confident and clear core self). They also often appreciate a reminder that changing therapists later on is always an option they can request later when they have more information and experience with the therapist.

Avoidant parts

These parts don’t want to be in therapy. They know there are a lot of painful stories and wounds you carry and they are trying to protect you from having to revisit them. They need their protective role acknowledged and often appreciate the invitation to interrupt the process if there is a threat that you are becoming emotionally overwhelmed.  They will look for a therapist that will respect your pacing, ask for their consent before opening up your most painful memories and not push past any other parts in the process.

People pleasing parts

These parts often just want your therapist to like them, validate them as a “good client” and enjoy working with them. They will often try to withhold information that might be upsetting to the therapist and will struggle to end a relationship with a therapist that isn’t productive or suitable for them. They often look for a therapist that is warm, well-regulated and demonstrative in their positive regard. They benefit from reassurance they are “getting it right” and praise for their efforts and achievements.

Rebellious parts

These parts want to protect your autonomy. They will be particularly sensitive to a therapist trying to be overly directive or coercive in any way. They want to know they can say “no,” ask for modifications, make choices, contribute to setting the pace and resist suggestions. They will be particularly concerned by therapists who wield authority, expertise or titles to limit their autonomy and independence. Instead they look for grounded therapists who will hold you and your system as the experts in the room and engage in a counselling process that is collaborative and cooperative.

Your healing journey starts now…

Learning to trust yourself, to listen to your intuition and to respect the wisdom of your parts is the healing journey. Noticing and acknowledging you need support is powerful response to your own suffering. Honouring your parts needs and addressing their concerns in choosing a therapist is another opportunity to foster trust, harmony and healing in your internal world. It may feel exhausting to meet with multiple therapists before making your selection, but if that’s what your system needs – honour it.  You may have a hard time bringing all your parts on board with any particular therapist, but take the time to understand their reasoning. It may be difficult to understand why they might say “no” to a provider that checks “all the right boxes”, but there is probably a good reason. As you honour and respect your parts in making this important decision, they will be more likely to trust you to guide the healing process ahead.

We’re here for you and all of your parts. We believe they are all good parts with a positive intent for you. If you’re ready to start getting to know them, get in touch with us today. Whether we’re the right fit or not, we’ll help you find your way.