Is Covid-19 the New Relationship Incubator?
What can we learn about relationships from couples who shared this unique experience?
Although COVID-19 might often feel like a thing of the near past, there is still much to be learned from the unique experiences of cohabitating couples during this unprecedented time. As a graduate student researcher at Western University, I’ve had the pleasure of interviewing heterosexual and female same-sex couples to gain insight into the lived experience of couples who moved in together during the pandemic, or as a result of the pandemic.
Going into the study, I was not anticipating to see such a high volume of couples who reported COVID as being the catalyst in their relationship. Other terms used were pressure cooker, incubator, and overall game-changer.
COVID provided a reason for couples to seek closeness in a time of government-mandated separateness. So I ask again, what can be learned from these couples and their resiliency in using quarantine as a way to strengthen their bond, get to know each other on a deeper level, and develop coping strategies that are ultimately transferable to any dyad in any context?
In 2020, Mari and colleagues set out to examine whether intimate relationships may play a role as a mediator in stress, future challenges, and coping techniques during the COVID-19 lockdown in Italy. Giving assistance to a partner in stressful conditions was proven to improve not only the quality of the committed relationship, but also the physiological and emotional well-being of the individual partners, in both everyday and exceptionally stressful conditions. These findings are explained by theories of positive dyadic coping, which see stress management as a social rather than individualistic process, wherein the individual does not handle stress in a vacuum but rather within a collaborative context.
This study set the tone for my research and after having spoken to nearly 20 couples, I was able to compile a list of the five most reported types of coping activities used by romantic cohabitating couples in Ontario: meaningful communication in times of conflict, maintaining and being intentional with intimacy and connectivity, defining healthy personal boundaries, engaging in novel activities, and making time for shared physical activity.
So let’s break it down:
Meaningful Communication in Times of Conflict
To quote Esther Perel, “intimacy is a discursive process, whereby partners develop a more intimate dynamic through the use of communication and mutual trust”. The underlying theme among my interviews has been communicating = listening + understanding. This means that in moments of conflict, upset, or overwhelm, it’s vital to provide your partner with a safe space to communicate their feelings and/or needs, without imposing judgement or personal beliefs. To some, this looks like keeping a constant line of communication open and to others, it looks like being intentional with creating a space to communicate and carving out time to sit down and have an honest chat. This also requires self-control as many noted the significance of their partner responding in a level-headed manner, thereby creating a space that’s conducive to open and honest communication.
2. Maintaining and being intentional with intimacy and connectivity
Staying on the theme of intentionality, couples also spoke about how necessary it was to be intentional with their time together. COVID created an environment of heightened togetherness, but togetherness and connectivity don’t always go hand-in-hand. Participants reported the value in taking time to plan at-home or COVID-friendly dates and translating this sentiment into the bedroom as well. At first read that may sound like it takes away the “sexiness” or “passion” of intimacy within a relationship but in reality, couples reported feeling significantly closer to their partners when they worked to make time for physical intimacy, set up their space in a particular way to ignite some romance, and get into a headspace where their central focus in that moment was only their partner, rather than the million worries that were clouding our minds from March 2020 onwards.
3. Defining Healthy Personal Boundaries
As many of the couples in my study were newly living together, the process came with much excitement and novelty, along with the need to set some personal boundaries and maintain a sense of autonomy. For some, this looked like having a separate space to work – many spoke about having a separate room being a way to maintain a work/life balance. For others, this looked like communicating their needs and love languages. Most important, though, was the other partner’s response. Did they take offence to their partner’s ask or did they take it as an opportunity to respect and appreciate the personal boundaries their partner is trying to set in order for them to feel seen and heard, thereby being better able to show up in their relationship.
4. Engaging in Novel Activities
To quote Esther Perel yet again (yes, I am a big fan), “We all share a fundamental need for security, which propels us toward committed relationships in the first place; but we have an equally strong need for adventure and excitement”. Throughout her book Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic, Perel advocates for the use of novel activities and sexual exploration to avoid stagnancy and boredom within a cohabitating relationship. Studies show that creativity within a relationship is instrumental in promoting relationship flourishing and individual well-being. This sentiment was one of the primal foci of my research and spoken about in nearly every single interview conducted. Couples shared engaging in novel activities such as camping, doing puzzles, engaging in various arts & crafts activities, learning to make new recipes, introducing each other to new films and TV shows, and exploring role playing or other novel activities in the bedroom.
5. Making Time for Shared Physical Activity
Last, but certainly not least, is engagement in shared physical activity. Without missing a beat, each couple shared that they took up daily walks, workouts, yoga routines, or other forms of physical activity that they enjoyed doing together. Many spoke of these moments as novel ways to connect, get an opportunity to unplug from the outside world, and share in a healthy activity together. To quote Dr. DiDonato, “When you work out together, you create a context in which you can coordinate your actions. For example, you might lift weights in rhythm with your partner, match your own walking or running pace with his or hers, or toss medicine balls back and forth. […] Nonverbal mimicry helps people feel emotionally attuned with one another, and those who experience or engage in it tend to report greater feelings of having “bonded” with their partner.” Exercising together, therefore, allows for connectivity, which benefits both our individual and relational health.
If you are a visual learner, like myself, feel free to take a look at this short animation from Psych2Go on tips for having a strong relationship. Some of the tips are in line with what I mentioned above, and others are equally helpful tips to reclaim passion and compassion within your relationship.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F070R43qWs4&ab_channel=Psych2Go
If you’re looking for a couples counsellor to help you take steps towards greater well-being in your relationship or if you want to chat about your own experience within your dynamic, get in touch with us today or have a look at our counsellor profiles to learn about more about our relationship counselling services and how we can help.
